Donna Martin Consolidates!

Greetings fellow shoe obsessives! My name’s Amanda and I’ll be covering the celebrity beat on Shoe IQ. First an introduction of sorts… I am currently lusting after a pair of Michael Kors leopard print platforms and wondering if the knockoffs at Bakers would fool a discerning eye. I think the world has judged Imelda Marcos harshly, and Crocs not harshly enough. Right now I'm battling a case of plantar fasciitis due to my stiletto addiction, but I'm optimistic that my recovery will have me back on 4-inch heels before knee-high boot season. While you dear readers ponder just how lucky I am that my size 5 ½ tootsies fit into just about every display in the Nordstrom women’s shoe department, I’ll give you something to chew on… Last week Tori Spelling (that’s right, the great Donna Martin, who did eventually graduate, thank you very much!) cleaned out her closets and sold the castoffs on E-Bay. Some of the merchandise was worth a look and even fetched bids in the mid-double digits. Some of the merch… not so much. What went wrong? Let’s take a look…

Exhibit A:

I feel sorry for these babies. First of all, I’m pretty sure they were purchased from the front seat of an El Camino in the San Gabriel Valley. Or maybe the back rack at the Hollywood Ross Dress for Less. You know, the exceptionally grim one on Sunset Blvd. next door to the check cashing place? Right. Also, I’m experiencing some serious déjà vu from these bejeweled monstrosities… It’s third grade, the smell of tempra paints and Doritos is in the air. I am feeling pessimistic about the vocab quiz, Jodi Fishbein stole my Purple Rain tape and I wish to all that is holy that I had not worn these stinking jelly shoes on such a hot day. My feet perspire, the hard plastic digs into my pinky toe, and the rhinestones, they mock, mock me from beneath my hot pink culotte. Why, oh, why… you know what, forget it, I’ll just discuss it with my therapist at Thursday’s 5 o’clock. Moving on…

Exhibit B:

Are they house slippers? Resort wear of the damned? Where would such footwear be appropriate except the ladies’ weekly mahjong game on Gladys’ lanai in North Miami Beach. These suckers received only a single bid! You know why? Because your grandmother’s condo complex doesn’t have a reliable DSL connection.

Exhibit C: